Mark my words

What can I say, I was played the fool.
I guess I needed the equivalent of an anvil to fall upon my head in order to get the dose of reality that was thrown in my face just today.
After much agonizing and what I thought was the right decision, I had taken him back.
All of this, after I had already walked away with a clear conscience weeks before. A sound decision I thought. He's too messed up I thought. Why, we even had a nickname for him; "MR. MESS-UP", if you can believe that one. I suppose in retrospect I was simply deluding myself and making countless excuses for his odd behavior, his unwillingness to make a solid decision in everything, let alone a relationship. A relationship that he was seemingly so desperate to have. What's that they say about red flags? (I always did have a brilliant facility to ignore the obvious.) I even recall him thanking me for giving him a second chance (but if we're counting, it was more like five!)
Yes, he said all the requisite things like "I now realize that I was making the wrong decision all along", or "I feel we have come so far and it would be terrible if we never got a chance to see how life could be together just the two of us without anyone or any situation holding us back", and this being my favorite: "I no longer want to simply feel safe in my life. I want to be happy and I want to be happy with you." Amazingly, after only three short weeks, he's walked away, again!
I must have been blind or stupid or insane or gullible, take your pick. I am open to suggestion.
The phone rang and I instantly knew that it was my doomsday call waiting for me on the other end. I must confess that I did have a clue, as he'd literally disappeared on me for more than a day, which even for him was strange behavior. I heard the words that I feared the most: "We need to talk". Instead of showing his face at my door, as we'd planned, he'd taken the low road.
He spent a ridiculous amount of time talking utter shite. All of a sudden, here I was, faced with the very man that prided himself on being an ace communicator and I got nothing but babbling. It was like silence ringing through my ears and in that split second, the phone instantly felt like a two ton brick in hand. He was, for once, without the right words.
When he finally did say something that was audible, I heard: "I'm overwhelmed". "It's all too much" he proclaimed. "It's too intense" he said. This, coming from the guy that seemed to have an easier time juggling two relationships rather than just the one!
Naturally, I got angry, what else could I do in that moment? It suddenly dawned on me that I was the one that had given in the entire time we were together, I'd overlooked so many of his flaws, put up with countless disappointments. I was crazy enough to believe that he could actually go through with something as life altering as making the leap from one relationship to another without incident (can you smell the sarcasm?). Afterall, we had so much history, what harm could come from this?
I was completely on the defensive and this was certainly not a good place to be.
After putting my life on hold for him, I thought maybe I had good reason to voice my disdain towards this incredibly selfish, arrogant, self-serving and immature person.
It was tantamount to trying to reason with a nine year old.
He'd found his out. He could sit on the phone, making a feeble attempt to tell me how he felt without any regard for my feelings or what I had been put through. It didn't matter. I didn't matter. It was now painfully clear that it was always about him. Neither myself (or his now ex-girlfriend) could ever really figure into anything. Afterall, we were the ones that sacrificed and in the end, we were both left out in the cold.
One day he was happy, "on top of the world", as I was told.
"All was right, the planets were aligned", he uttered.
Did I miss something? Did he forget to take his medication? How does a person go from sheer elation to panic and fear in less than twenty-four hours and be completely incapable of explaining it?
Love is a weird thing people, it'll mess you up so bad, you won't even know what hit you. I now know.
Oh! and never, ever make the fatal error of telling the other person that you actually love them, because if they aren't prepared to hear it (in whatever form it was intended), you'll end up exactly where I am now. Hollow.
After all was said and done, I forgave, forgot, pardoned, accepted, made excuses, compromised, whatever you want to call it...and for what? Being with a man who clearly had no respect for me and thought primarily with his dick got me absolutely nowhere.
I guess in the long run, it's as we are told when we're kids, count on no one but yourself, cause in the end, that's all you'll be left with.