Downward spiral

Two distinct stories that will convince even the most hardened of people that our civilization is in serious decline:
Earlier this month, Britain's public health minister said she had been warned by school counselors that some pregnant teenagers were purposely smoking in order to make their babies smaller so that childbirth would be less painful.
Australia's Herald Sun reported last month that a Target store in Melbourne was selling padded bralettes from the child clothing and doll manufacturer Bratz Babyz, aimed at children aged 6 to 10.
That's it, I officially give up.

Out of synch

If I didn't know it before, I know it now...Jimmy Kimmel is a big nerd!
I just caught a few minutes of this seriously lame talk show and he was interviewing Justin Timberlake. Jimmy admitted the following: A few years ago I took my kids to see you in concert, when you were with N'Sync. After 4 songs, my kids looked at me and complained that it was too loud, I was so into it, I didn't want to leave! Needless to say, I didn't speak to them the entire way home from the concert. I mean, it wasn't like we were at a Led Zeppelin concert (I wish you could have heard him pronounce the band name. It was something like this: Ze-pa-lyn. Like an OLD MAN!)
WOW!

Pit Bull

Rush Limbaugh is widely known as the poster child for conservative politics. He's famous for his bully pulpit style radio show which is one of the biggest in the United States. Fans of his show are called "dittoheads" because they tend to blindly follow their beloved host, no matter what he spews out. Anyone who's ever listened to him knows what a loud mouth he can be and how overbearing his opinions are, but this week he really crossed the line into indecency and bad taste. In response to an advertisement Michael J. Fox filmed in support of stem cell research, Limbaugh accused him of not taking his medication before filming to show extreme symptoms in the video. Limbaugh even implied that the beloved actor was faking his symptoms altogether.
From the Washington Post:
"Possibly worse than making fun of someone’s disability is saying that it’s imaginary. That is not to mock someone’s body, but to challenge a person’s guts, integrity, sanity."
Only an idiot would imply that Fox was faking his symptoms to garner sympathy for himself and his cause. I guess Al Franken is right, Limbaugh is A Big Fat Idiot.

Shoot me now, kill me later

I've always known that television is a succubus, but being home sick today, I now know it's much worse than that.
The Greg Behrendt show is on right now. He's the guy that was a consultant for two 2001 episodes of Sex and the City, and co-wrote the books He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.
I can appreciate that this guy had some insight for women (and men) into dating and what the pitfalls and upsides were to relationships. After all, he'd been there and his experiences were interesting and valid, at the time. However, what I can't fathom is the need for every author-come-lately or personality with a catch-phrase to get their own talk show. We get it, you have an opinion, but why does everyone in the free world have to hear it?
Today's show is focusing on couples who are facing tough times in the first year of their marriage. His guest speakers today: Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry. They were invited on to share their newlywed secrets. WTF? Who gives a rats ass what two has beens are going through? These are the same people that wed after meeting on a staged and quite insanely mundane reality show, VH1's fourth season of The Surreal Life. Give me a break!

Grenades in the kitchen

Rose Rock, comedian Chris Rock's mom, claims she was racially discriminated against when she was seated but ignored for a half hour at a Cracker Barrel restaurant along the South Carolina coast. Cracker Barrel has in the past faced numerous lawsuits and a federal inquiry over complaints of refusing to serve black customers, discriminating against minority workers and firing gay employees. The company has taken steps to rebuild its folksy image and reach out to minorities.
A Cracker Barrel spokesperson said the company doesn't "tolerate any form of discrimination."
The Reverend Al Sharpton will join Rock on Wednesday in South Carolina to announce that Sharpton's Action Network will finance the planned lawsuit.
Is it just me, or is there incredible irony here for an establishment that calls itself Cracker Barrel?!

Kickin' it K-Rob style

You know it's fall season when the Dew Action Sports Tour kicks it into the final round, after a year of batlling it out in the extreme sports domaine.
Kevin Robinson's, Double Flair won the PlayStation Trick of the Year! On top of bragging rights for throwing THE overall sickest trick of the year, Robinson wins $10,000 in cash, as well as other PlayStation prizes. He nailed his trick at the Toyota Challenge in San Jose, Cali. He went up against some tough competition this year. Ryan Nyquist's Barspin No-footed Can-Can, Keith McElhinney's Front Flip Flair, Scotty Cranmer's Tailwhip 360 to Tailwhip in. These athletes were selected by their fans as having the best trick at each of the first four Dew Action Sports Tour events of the 2006 season. For their performance they each earned PlayStation Trick of the Week honors, $5,000, a PSP and other sweet PlayStation prizes.
Aside from all of the pomp and circumstance of the tour, some of the most memorable images came from their advertisers / sponsors.
Panasonic, Vans gear, RightGuard, Toyota and Play Station outdid themselves this year.

Rumor mill

Evesdropping is great. In the last few weeks, most people I've encountered have been preoccupied with some political story or other and I was longing to hear someting light and frivolous. Well, today was my lucky day and an anonymous jack ass delivered in spades.
I was sitting at a conference just this morning and before the seminar was filled with it's invitees, a man in the row just behind me started to regale his two colleagues with a little anecdote:
It all began when the guy was asked if he'd attended a company dinner the night before. He said he had and his colleagues asked what was served. He went on to say that he'd had a gastronomic experience and was overwhelmed by it. They asked who the chef was and to my surprise, the man knew exactly who it was. This got him talking about recipes, of all things, and he then shared some ideas for preparing stew which he'd retrieved from a recent issue of LCBO magazine.
He then went on to talk about his nephew (Dave), who had written a cook book and was a chef with his very own show on the food network. Apparently, this kid, who grew up in NewYork was, until just a few years ago, waiting tables at a well known spot in the city. He was now rich, raking it in, apparently. As an example, every time he'd endorsed a brand of beer in a recipe on his show (say Miller), he'd receive a cheque from the company for $100,000. This kid is also the personal chef for baseball star Derek Jeeter, getting paid $1000 per meal.
The most memorable part of the story was the fact that his uncle, who seemed so proud of his nephew for all of his accomplishments, said he was, in the end, quite a mediocre chef.

Spy Hard

If you're a Republican, watch out! The Democrats are gonna crush you.
With the mid term elections coming up in less than four weeks time, focus on the Mark Foley scandal couldn't have come at a worse time. Then again, how do you prepare for sleaze of massive proportions or spin pedophilia?
You can't!
Foley, a fellow Republican congressman, resigned late last week after e-mails and instant messages surfaced where he blatantly asked teenaged male pages explicit questions and requested photographs of them. Not only did he ask the most innapropriate questions, he also masturbated in his office while it was happening. When he was confronted about this, he blamed his behavior on alcoholism.
The pages in question were under age and it's also alleged that this misconduct goes well beyond this year. It's been suggested, by a new witness, that he's been up to no good with minors on capital hill for years.
No kidding?!
Sickest irony of all:
Foley chaired the House caucus on missing and exploited children and was credited with writing the sexual-predator provisions of the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006, which Bush signed in July. A photo on the White House Web site shows Foley among those attending the signing ceremony.
The house of representatives' ethics committee has launched an investigation into the scandal and approved four dozen subpoenas for documents and testimony.
So, there will be a trial and all this ugliness will come out in court, but clearly they can't tell us anything we haven't already heard a million times before. The man's a preditor of the worst kind and sadly, there are likely to be countless others just like him hiding behind their precious titles in Washington. Spare us...Please!

It's a bloody chicken!

In watching the classically hilarous film Withnail and I, it would be a great injustice not to share one of the funniest cinematic exchanges of all time:

[Back inside I has left the chicken on the table. It is alive and
looks round questioningly. He nudges Withnail to wake him.]

I:
Oye! Oye! Parkin's been. There's the supper!
Withnail:
What are we supposed to do with that?
I:
Eat it
Withnail:
Eat it!? Fucker's alive
I:
Yeah, you've got to kill it.
Withnail:
Me!? I'm the firelighter and fuel collecter.
I:
Yeah I know but I got the logs in. It takes away your appitite just
looking at it.
Withnail:
No it doesn't I'm starving. How can we make it die?
I:
You've got to throttle them. Withnail, I think you ought to kill it
instantly in case it starts trying to make friends with us.
Withnail:
Alright, you get hold of ir. I'll strangle it.
I:
I can't. Those dreadful, beady eyes! They stare you out!
Withnail:
It's a bloody chicken. Just think of it with bacon across its back!
Right, I'll deal with this. You'll have to get its guts out.

The Black Night

Best Rant all week...

When I saw the headline in the newspaper I swear to God I heard angels sing. “Conrad Black wants Canadian Citizenship back”. Cue the trumpets – it just doesn’t get much better than this.
Seeing that headline made me so excited I couldn’t even read the bloody thing. I picked up the paper and brought it home like it was a box of chocolates. I didn’t even glance at the first sentence until everything was perfect. The coffee was brewed, my feet were up the pillow behind my neck was just so. This was a moment to be savoured.

And it was a great moment. As I read that story I don’t think I ever felt more Canadian, because I knew that for the first time in perhaps our nation’s entire history, everyone in Canada was on the same page. Every man woman and child in this nation was united and together. We were gloating as one.

And what a story – Conrad Black, a man who once had more than any of us could ever imagine, gladly gives up the one thing we all share and hold dear, a Canadian citizenship. And why? So he could go to England and become Lord Black of Cross dresser. And now after telling the entire country to shove it he wants back in.

I have to admit, the idea of Conrad Black down at some god awful immigration office stuck in the back of a line behind some poor Somali dude with a bullet in his leg fills my heart with joy.

The Schadenfreude is on bust here. Conrad is basically at the front door of Canada saying to every one of us “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean it; let me back in the house.”

And personally, like most Canadians, part of me wants to barricade the door, run up the stairs and start pouring hot bubbly oil out of the top window all over his little Lord costume – the red one with the big white fur neck.

But unfortunately that’s not the Canadian way. I hate to admit it but I think we have to take the high road. We shouldn’t humiliate the guy any more no matter how much we want to. Bottom line is it’s fun to “kick up,” but it is unseemly to kick a guy when he’s down. Granted Conrad Black’s version of being down is slightly different than for the rest of us. His assets are frozen and he must somehow get by on a measly $45,000 dollars a month. There are rumours he might sell the Bentley.

And besides, seeing Conrad fighting for his life in the American courts makes me root for the guy. As it stands now he insists he will fight to the death in court and that there will be no plea bargain. He has even described himself, without a hint of irony, as a “freedom fighter.” Now it’s too soon to be said whether future generations of university students and skateboarders will take down the pictures of Che Guevara and replace them with woodcut prints of Lord Black but stranger things have happened.

Now just to be clear I’m not suggesting Conrad get special treatment – I’m suggesting he get treated like a Canadian.

Because regardless of what was said, or what papers were signed in the heat of the moment, that’s exactly what he is. Conrad Black was born in Canada, he grew up here and he built his business here. In fact Conrad became the giant poncy tool that he is today in Canada. Yes he denied us, yes we all heard the cock crow, but that had more to do with his getting into a peeing match with Jean Chrétien than anything else. That was then this is now. I suggest we have to do the right thing, the Canadian thing and give him the citizenship back – and then, being Canadian, we never ever let him forget it. We lord it over the lord forever. Amen

--Rick Mercer

Art Attack

Here's a weird one: On this day in history, Laszlo Toth, a 33-year-old Australian geologist, slipped into St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, part of the crowd attending a mass. As the faithful waited for the Pope's blessing, Toth dashed past the guards, vaulted a marble balustrade, and attacked Michelangelo's Vatican Pieta with a sledgehammer, shouting "I am Jesus Christ!"
With fifteen blows (one for each minute of his fame?), he removed the Virgin's arm at the elbow, knocked off a chunk of her nose, and chipped one of her eyelids. Although art historians wept over the damage, and the media decried Toth as a cultural terrorist, radicals hailed his "gentle hammer" with cries of "No more masterpieces!" (WTF?)
Toth was apprehended, and charged with crimes that would have brought a nine-year prison sentence, had he been convicted. In the end, though, the court found him insane. After two years in an Italian asylum,Toth was deported back to Australia, where he faded into obscurity.

Simon says

I am always in awe of my friends and the way they manage to express themselves.
It would seem there is a theme this week, given yesterdays entry.
This offering comes from Simon. (I am still laughing out loud):
I've put my car up for sale, I've bought a new smaller bed for the flat in a veiled attempt to make the bedroom look bigger for prospective buyers (Taking this logic one step futher, I'm thinking of hiring two dwarves to show people around when they come to view).

Faith Some More

Best line heard all weekend:
I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.
-Mitch Hedberg