Sunday, September 25, 2005

Banking on stupidity

Few things in this world make me want to close myself off from the media forever. However, this week I read that there was an ongoing debate in the world of celebrity as to whether or not Tyra Banks' breasts were real. The uber-model extraodinaire asked an LA plastic surgeon to visit her on set of her recently created talk show to examine her on camera and finally put any rumors to rest on the matter. She supposedly demanded that all the men in the audience promptly leave the studio. She took off her bra, put on a robe and then to everyone's amazement, the doc proceeded to squeeze the charmins right then and there...later, he and his assistant performed a sonogram to be absolutely sure there were no foreign parts detected anywhere. The verdict, they're real.
Phew...That's a relief!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hearing is believing

Well, today was a glorious day, as some new music finally arrived in the post.
I'll begin with Damien Rice. The album is called "O", and not since the world was introduced to Nick Drake and Jeff Buckley, has anyone (at least in my opinion) managed to compose songs that stir the soul and break your heart to the level that he can. Although the entire album is a stunner, there are two stand out tracks that will send chills up your spine: "Cold Water" and "Eskimo". So haunting and magnificent.
My second selection is Josh Rouse. This offering, called "Nashville" is a perfect recipe for folky blues with a peppering of strings and piano. His beautiful lyrics and crystal clear voice give us a glimpse into a very personal life journal. Put to music, it draws you in so closely, you feel as though you might be walking through a film of his life. From childhood stories to his grown up tales of heartache, every song speaks to you. The tune "Streetlights" is a sad tale of disconnect. So much so, that we get the sense he might just be singing about himself. "Middle School Frown" is a lyrical apology to a girl he mistreated in his youth. "Sad Eyes" is about coming out the other side of a failed marriage, with his offerings of faith, solace and encouragement (It's instantly reminiscent of Todd Rundgren). Like me, I am sure you'll want this cd to go on forever.
My final review is "Gene". As my old boyfriend used to say, "They're the band that write and sing the songs that The Smiths just never got round to". I couldn't agree more. "As Good As It Gets" is a compilation of many of their masterpieces. They are every bit as talented in conveying their messages of unrequited love and sadness as The Smiths ever were. They are also quite adept in their ability to paint vast pictures of both Manchester and London for the listener. The romantically lamentable "Olympian" to the sheer desperation of "Speak To Me Someone" and the pain of "You'll Never Walk Again" will have you crying out for more.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?

What happens to old liquor bottles when they die? If it's in China, they might end up back on the bar shelf, filled with something other than pure alcohol.
At least 10 people were arrested and more than 7,000 bottles of phony whiskey, cognac and other spirits were seized following a months long investigation into a nationwide bootlegging operation in China.
The gang collected empty, discarded bottles of name brand liquors and then filled them with generic drinking alcohol blended to taste, look and smell like the real deal. Wine samplers said the fake alcohol would easily have fooled ordinary consumers. This guy and his "associates" sold the stuff to nightclub managers around China who denied knowing it was fake, despite its heavily discounted price. The scheme began to unravel after police in the eastern port city of Tianjin received a tip from the China office of a Hong Kong liquor industry association that "spurious" liquor was being sold in the city on an usually large scale.
The guy was arrested with several others at his makeshift bottling plant in southern China and faces a sentence of 15 years to life in prison if convicted.
The case highlights the broad scope of fakery in China, where gangs counterfeit pretty much everything they can get their hands on.
An intellectual property rights crackdown launched last year, designated "Operation Mountain Eagle" has led to the cracking of more than 1,800 cases involving more than 1.3 billion yuan in sales of counterfeits. Result!

Every rose has it's thorn

Here are some rare personal ads that are definitely blog-worthy...

Groovy chick (24) seeks big hunk into otter greasing and cosy evenings at home. Box no: 8146

Rugged middle aged man, own teeth, seeks similar lady (without moustache) for social functions and housekeeping duties. Apply box no: 7321

Ickle bunny wants big bear for warm cuddles and heavy drinking sessions - must be clean and violent. Box no: 2648

Middle aged accordion enthusiast currently living with Mother seeks female for unsavoury practices. Dogs tolerated. Box no: 5955

Gorgeous gal, early 20s with showbiz connections seeks cool soulmate. Must have nice trousers & set of drums. Send photo. Box no: 7624

Bondage & string enthusiast, early 30s athletic female, seeks timid man, 18 - 60. Snuff takers preferred but not essential. Phone 882674 after 7.00pm.

Sheep for sale. Also dead horse available to suitable home. Box no: 9542

Pogo stick collector, male, mid 40s is looking 18 - 24yr old wild totty with adventurous nature. Ugly or fat women need not apply. Box no: 5423

Sensitive but macho poet/musician is waiting for Miss right - must have big chin and work in media. Box no: 4867

Snuffles the dog seeks bitch on heat. GSOH, non smoking. No scrubbers. Box no: 8568

Strikingly attractive professional lady, strict disciplinarian, seeks mild mannered gentleman for occasional torrid evenings of sick and perverse sado-masochism involving fish and lard. No weirdos please. Box no: 6585

Sunday, September 18, 2005

The unessentials

Have you ever hated a song so much it made your teeth hurt? Pretty solid question, considering the musical offerings we've had to suffer through over the years. Forget the obvious picks like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears or The Backstreet Boys (thankfully,none of which I own). Of late, I have been rediscovering my cd collection. I have found myslef listening, to what I thought at the time, was music more than worthy of my time. I came across some tunes that should be hung out to dry for all time. My first observation was the debut album by Third Eye Blind. Most of us will recall their break out track - "Semi-Charmed Life", which I have to admit, was pretty catchy and the lyrics very telling. The songs "How's it gonna be" and "The Background" are extremely haunting and tell the story perfectly of what can happen after a relationship turns sour. It's the rest of the album that defies explanation...you've never heard anything quite so objectionable! Which brings me to the very worst pick of all time, Dishwalla's "Pet your friends". This album is curdled milk to the extreme. I purchased this, without listening to it in the store first, which was an obvious mistake. Not only does this album make your teeth hurt, it might even make your ears bleed! Now I'll share a little of my own thoughts mixed with that of my Saturday Friend...we agree to a degree that ColdPlay have gone on to make a third album that, well, sounds exactly like the first two. I read somewhere that the lead singer of Snow Patrol (one the best new bands around) was asked to express himself about what they, as a band, had planned for the coming year. He replied in a very sweet way: "A new album, but I am terrified about it. It has to be good because I want people to realize that the last one wasn't a fluke". This is precisely how I feel about ColdPlay. They created a first cd which was brilliant (I'd be inclined to call this a fluke), filled with wonderfully tragic lyrics and a piano sound that stays with you long after the cd is over. That is, until they sold out the track "Yellow" to the media. This hit the airwaves like a smack upside the head...tuning into ABC for some primetime tv viewing became gut wrenching, as you knew the song was going to ring out during the stations promotional breaks. At that point, respect for them was lost and it was ruled that they were in a constant state of replay.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Last night I dreamed somebody cared

"Call me jaded, but the rubber bracelet was cool for about 15 minutes when no one knew what it stood for (referring to the original yellow Lance Armstrong model), but they have now passed out of “cool” and have become “tool”. This is overkill of the most egregious kind. Yuck! Why can’t people be normal and just donate $20 bucks to the Red Cross and be done with it?" I read this rant earlier today and I couldn't agree more. Only this morning I was stood in line at the car dealer when a man in his early 60's was walking about the place sporting, on each wrist, about six or seven of these "cause" bracelets, looking more like a multi-colored clown than a concerned citizen. I peered over my shoulder to get a closer look at his forearms and I was seconds from confronting him...begging the question WHY? He was a trendy man...this was evident by his choice of clothing and shoes, down to his sunglasses...but there is a line and he obviously crossed it.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Quote of the day

"When life gives you lemons, find someone that you despise and squirt them in the eye!"

Sunday, September 11, 2005

FREEFLOW 411

The Dew Action Sports Tour continues and it never seems to disappoint.
Early on in the competition, we saw Ryan Guettler, our favorite Aussie, literally knock himself out during the first dirt run on his BMX. He took his jump and the next thing you knew, he was collapsed on the ground like a rag doll. This guy must have a horseshoe up his rear end, because later in the tour, he was back with a vengeance, in what the host called "one of the narliest moments ever in the history of the games", to showcase his tricks on the vert ramps. Although he wasn't successful in his endeavors due to his earlier injuries and some dizziness, keeping him from making top rank, the fans seemed to applaud his efforts as though he had anyway. During the next segment, we witnessed Scotty Cranmer do his thang and when it was all over, Kenan Harkin, a veteran BMX'er himself (he was the very first bicycle freestylist to perform a 360 backflip, ever!) stopped to interview the very young rider (all of 18 years old), commenting on the versatility he showed and asking about the complexities of his style...when the interview was completed, Cranmer looked into the camera and said "thank you SIR!"...I laughed so hard and clearly the hilarity of the moment wasn't lost on the co-hosts either, Pat Parnell and Robbie Floyd, who are both, like Kenan, sitting somewhere in their 30's, no doubt looking ancient to the athletes of these games, where I suspect the average age is probably around 22 years old.
Speaking of age, Dave Mirra, who is still himself quite young, is probably now considered to be the grand-daddy of the BMX world, now at the ripe old age of 31.
Quick, fetch me my walker and meds!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The chemicals between

Some great quotes about of all things, men...

"Fuck you and your untouchable face. Fuck you for existing in the first place."

"P.M.S.= Putting up with Men's Sh*t! "

"Men adore me, until I show my intelligence, assertiveness and independence. Then I suddenly seem to be a BITCH! Men are such fearful creatures!"

"If a man is standing alone in the woods and says something.....is he still wrong?"

"No matter how good he looks, some girl out there is sick and tired of his bullshit."

"I've come to the conclusion that my soulmate is having a never-ending dinner party with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships."

"Everyone is someone else's weirdo."

"Asking a man to be loyal and faithful is like asking a pig to fly!"

"I'm not ready for a commitment. Translation: I just want you to act like a wife, not actually be one."

"Guys who complain about going "down there" because, well..you know...the smell. I kindly invite them to visit the business end of a set of balls."

"Men are like parking lots....
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!"

"A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women: "Does your c*nt twitch after sex?"
98% replied: "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep.."

Friday, September 09, 2005

Subarashii kotoba

Last year, one of the most insightful and intriguing films was released: Garden State, written and directed by the Scrubs guy, Zach Braff. I watched this movie with great anticipation and I must say, it delivered well beyond my expectations. It manages to cover some fairly serious issues, such as death, relationships, the impact of love, fear, loss and apathy. I was moved to tears several times but also found laughter in the most uncomfortable of situations...this is truly excellent scripting.
A couple of stand out lines from the film that made their way into my memory:

"I'm ok with being unimpressive, I sleep better."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a lot longer than you'd like."

Do yourself a big favor and don't miss this movie.
The soundtrack is pretty flavorful too.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

3D Life

Sometimes there is no explaining away the images that pass you by. Thankfully there exists a blog forum to share it all.
I know one thing for sure, I have a very interesting waking life.
I drove through the Olympic Village yesterday and it smelled of freshly baked bread. I don't know why, as from all accounts, there isn't a factory in sight. This went on for blocks and blocks... you could really taste the air. Then as I was stopped at a light, three butterflies, with distinctive stripes, fluttered past my windscreen (now that I think of it, they must have escaped from the "insect-arium" --> that's for all you South Park fans). In the afternoon, I had some minor surgery and was given some pretty interesting drugs. In my altered state, here's what I observed as I sat waiting for a cab... I looked up and I was on a street that I swear had no name (and no, that isn't my attempt at quoting the U2 song), I saw two really ugly people kissing and all I could think about was Gary Shandling and his rules on that ("you know who you are...stop that!"), then I spotted ants building a hill / home on a construction site and I am certain that the ant foreman was yelling at the workers...looked like there was a union negotiation going on, as all the marching had stopped at one point (good thing they weren't fire ants!), then there was the old couple that was trying to get into the medical building, canes on hand, and some students were pushing past them...the old man started to yell out in Yiddish and the kids screamed back in some language I couldn't make out (sounded slightly mocking and was more than likely made up),when all of a sudden, the man whacks one of the kids with his mighty staff...I was so taken aback, but burst out laughing.
Got in the cab and the music was so disturbing that I asked the driver to turn it off...he turned it down instead. Had THE bumpiest ride ever...he must have hit every pothole in the city and when I finally found my front door, I threw up!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam

Kurt Cobain once wrote that "all we know is all we are"...I disagree. I am by no means a religious person, but sometimes we all need to seek out something to either aspire to, or in my case, listen to... something else other than the voices in ones own head. People that know me well realize by now that most of my religious knowledge and interests come from either cartoons or seriously skewed writings. However, within the last year, I have been hooked on the sermons given by the young and very charismatic evangelist Joel Osteen. I like the fact that each time I seem to be seeking reason or counsel on something specific, he's usually on that topic when I tune in to catch him. For instance, there was the time that I was having to deal with a lot of others' negativity and it was bringing me down, big time. It's no secret that I can't abide what I deem "toxic" people and I usually do my utmost to keep them at bay. Sometimes this isn't always possible, as most of the individuals closest to me have been in that position for so many years, that striking them out is not the reasonable thing to do. Instead, I try to talk with them, help them to see other points of view or in some cases, just tell a joke. In extreme cases, I'll just retreat to my own surroundings, listen to knowing music or read and chill. I know from personal experience that some of the worst karma from others can really affect you.
I have always tried to maintain a well balanced and disciplined mind. To stay hopeful and to think only good thoughts, even when it's killing me to do it. I must admit, I failed miserably at this in recent times and lost out in the process. I am trying now to get into faith. Today Joel spoke about what responsibilities we have unto ourselves. How your own personal happiness is up to you, not someone else. How we can't control every person or every situation, but that attitude is important and to enjoy every day, no matter the circumstance...that one definition of joy is calm delight...in other words, be at peace, no matter what. Easy to say, not always easy to do. He suggests that if you feel defeated and full of regret, you can either give into it and pretty much give all of your power away in the process or you can decide to stand guard over the doorway of your own mind and in doing so, achieve inner happiness. I used to hear people say, "don't give life to your fears by speaking them out" and usually dismissed it by saying "they're cracked! What is that, a cult saying?". But it's absolutely true! I'm not deluded enough to expect to be able to walk around all the time with a smile on my face or see the positive...we all know there is a lot of shit in this world to contend with and sometimes you don't have the energy...or maybe it's just because you don't want to look like a complete lunatic in doing so. All this to say, I do have to admit that seeing the lighter side of most situations is easier than seeking out the negative and walking round with a sour puss on.
Sermon'out.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Adversity quotient...

A while back I learned thru the teachings of Dr. Paul Stoltz that there are three different types of people:
Quitters, campers and climbers.
To be a climber, you have to 1. be significant to someone (even yourself), 2. have a picture of the future and 3. feel the fear, but do it anyway and to always remember, YOU DON'T GET STRENGTH UNLESS YOU HAVE ADVERSITY.
I recently went through my own bit of personal adversity.
I expressed myself without fear and got something back in return that I wasn't prepared for...rejection.
Someone once told me that you're never too high to fall, but it's what you do with the outcome of it that counts most of all. I remembered that the first recipe for happiness is to always avoid too lengthy meditations on the past.

With goals in mind, this entry although real is certainly metaphoric...it comes to us from one of my very adventurous friends...
"What inspired me to climb Kili was a book I read years ago by Michael Crichton called "Travels". In one chapter, he talks about his climb up the mountain, and I was inspired to do the same. I had forgotten the details in the book, so I purchased it the other day, and last night, I re-read the chapter. I was very disappointed, and satisfied at the same time!! He actually SAYS he made it to the summit, but anyone who has now climbed Kilimanjaro knows that his statement is false!! He actually only made it to Gilman's point, which is still about an hour and a half from Uhuru - the highest point on the mountain. As well, he was still below Stella point, which is the rim of the crater, and the start of the magnificent viewing spots for the remaining 10 glaciers which still adorn the top.

My satisfaction comes in knowing that I DID make it to the top - all the way to Uhuru peak."

Beautiful!