Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Searching through the distortion

First we had the Sex Pistols. We could always count on the bad boys to stir up some controversy through politics channeled through the world of music. Whether it was delivered through outrageous antics on stage or blasphemous words against the monarchy, the message was always clear. They were punks and convention was possibly the furthest thing from their minds. This sort of thing I understand, there was a message to their madness (note how I didn't use the usual cliche, method).
Enter the 21st century and we have the likes of Oasis, brought to us by the ever annoying Gallagher brothers, Liam and Noel. Oasis got their foot in the door and kicked it down, no questions asked. Naturally, everyone within (and out of) the music industry agrees that they have borrowed heavily from the Beatles. They themselves have no problem admitting to this. It's Noel's songs, Liam's voice, Liam's sex appeal, the right management and the label. They've got the lot when it comes to the music. The one thing that I simply can't get my head around is their complete and utter disdain towards other people. Their arrogance astounds. Recently they were at a music awards ceremony where Chris Martin of Coldplay was up on stage making his acceptance speech and there, in the front row, was none other than Liam, mouthing off at him. Chris, ever the gentleman replied by saying something like " and I think Liam, even though he's being rude, he's charming"...to which Liam replied, in notably drunken tones "I'm being polite, knobhead!"...Liam, goading him on, "Come on Chris, have a pop!" Chris wondered what was being said and asked him to repeat, so Liam said "you're a plant pot!", trying to be funny. These kinds of insults are actually tame compared to some of the other behaviors that have been spawned by the devilish duo. They've gotten into drunken brawls at their local, punched out the press, held interviews where the only words that were audible consisted of four letters or less, given the two finger salute to every photographer and fan they've ever come into contact with, made utter jokes of their marriages, proclaimed things like "Lennon was right. And we are bigger than Jesus. We will be as big as the Beatles, if not bigger." Every time I read the press on them, I am baffled as to why they say the things they do and why they engage in public displays of rudeness or why they get up to the shit that they do. One thing is for certain, they have their millions of pounds between them to keep their conscience(s) clear, which in turn allows them to, well, not give a rats ass what the public think. A writer at Select magazine said it best "In the Gallaghers world, it's better to talk bullshit all day than be silent for one minute".

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Through the looking glass

As I have shared before, I am anything but a devoutly religious person. However, my willingness to be open to new and interesting aspects of religion and culture surprise even me. I have always been a fan of author C.S. Lewis. Now that Hollywood has taken hold of the THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE (adapted from the well known British and admittedly Christian writer), I had to give some feedback . I read that conservative Christians are busy promoting and using the new film as a tool for evangelism. However, the producers hope its Christian symbolism does not limit its appeal to the widest possible audience. This is quite the conundrum. To sum up, it's an adventure tale of good versus evil, and now the advance hype, which itself is reaching epic proportions, has people discussing it's other symbolism. Anyone who's ever read the series of books will see it, with characters like Aslan (the lion, who is truly representative of the death and resurrection of Christ). Most of the film is reportedly not interpreted with language that is right out of the Bible, but you would have to be pretty blind not to see what the symbols mean and to hear what the words mean. Kids will likely not "get it", unless of course they have been exposed to religion on a higher level and have a deep understanding of symbolism. Perhaps now that Disney and the geniuses at Walden Media have gotten a hold of this book, it'll turn into the blockbuster it's slated to become and religious mass marketing will, as a result, rise to even greater proportions. Personally, I think media usually makes for lousy evangelism (there are the exceptions however,...Remember the Vaticans views on the purely brilliant ad campaign using a nun to promote safer sex?!). I am sure most of you would agree that there isn't some sort of magic bullet that you shoot someone with and they automatically go, "Oh, I've got faith." Generally speaking, that's not how media works. Media changes people over time, it's insidious! C.S. Lewis himself would attest to that. Ironically, he was not emotionally attracted to Christian belief at all (for most of his life anyway). It was not something that he really wanted. In fact, he fought very hard against it. He said in his autobiography that on the night when he got down on his knees and admitted that God was God, he said, "I was perhaps at that time the most dejected and reluctant convert in all of England." I wonder then, how he would feel, now that the film version of his book (with 6 more in this series) is about to explode on the masses.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Wooly Bullies

Children's author Grant Slatter came up with the slogan "where did all the odd socks go?" to capture the imagination of the young mind. But then 25,000 pairs of his odd socks really got stolen. The batch of odd socks which accompany his books - worth around £125,000 - are now in the hands of thieves who stole the woolly footwear from a truck depot in England. The socks had been destined for Woolworths stores as a must-have accessory to accompany the Oddies storybook. Mr. Slatter's book and sock set are hyped to become THE children Christmas sensation in the UK.
Mr Slatter said: "It is ironic. The whole fact that they have gone missing is a story, it's ridiculous." Oddies is about a fantasy land where all the odd socks end up after losing their pairing in the washing machine. This is such a brilliant concept, one that I am sure many of us have often thought of writing about ourselves. The author says that there are all kinds of oddies - policeman, nurse, footballer and even robber oddies - who go round stealing odd socks. In a twist, the socks are actually insured and the theft has raised publicity about the Oddies book. Can you say publicity stunt?

Friday, November 18, 2005

Matters literary...

I recently read about one of the most fascinating writers of our time, John Hodgman. He is totally irreverant, with a keen dry sense of humor...he reminds me a little of David Sedaris, Sara Vowel and David Rackoff combined, but much more nerdy...sexy too, but definitely nerdy... he's a former professional literary agent who lives in New York City, where he curates and hosts The Little Gray Book Lectures. He is a contributing writer at the New York Times Mag and a well known voice on public radio's This American Life. His fiction, non-fiction, and genres in-between have appeared in The Paris Review, McSweeney's, and The Believer. He's just released a new book called, The Areas of My Expertise.
Here's just a glimpse into his thoughts on the book...
Everything you need to know about my book is contained within its title: THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE. That is actually the shorthand title. The full title is:
"An Almanac of Complete World Knowledge Compiled With Instructive Annotation and Appranged in Useful Order by Me, JOHN HODGMAN, a professional writer, in THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, Which Areas Include Matters Historical, Matters Literary, Matters Cryptozoological, Hobo Matters, Food, Drink, and Cheese (a Kind of Food), Squirrels & Lobsters & Eels, Haircuts, Utopia, What Will happen in the Future, and Most Other Subjects."
Which is to say that it is a handy desk reference and book of interesting trivia in the tradition of THE BOOK OF LISTS or THE PEOPLE'S ALMANAC, with the distinction that in MY book, all of the historical oddities and amazing true facts contained within it are entirely MADE UP, by me. This, paradoxically, allows it to be more
true. There are of course many fake reference books that precede and overshadow mine, whether we speak of THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY, Borges's BOOK OF IMAGINARY BEINGS, or that other uncredited work of Borges, the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons MONSTER MANUAL. Indeed, many of the tallest tales surrounding Davy Crockett were circulated in the 19th century by the very popular and sometimes crude "Crockett's Almanacs," so there is a long history of the misinforming impulse within the form itself.
What these books lack, I suppose, are my own personal limitations and my own personal
and unhealthy focus on hoboes. Hoboes are that mysterious wandering people who once traveled our land by boxcar, singing strange songs and marking up every town with their cryptic little chalk symbols. There are, of course, still those who take on the train-hopping lifestyle and crusty pants of the hobo, but they are emulators and nostalgics--what we call, in the hobo observation business, "faux-boes." You can read more about this in my book, the title of which may be found above.
My thoughts on being a published writer: It is, of course, far more civilized to work IN publishing rather than being subjected to it. To become a writer is to become a beast of constant desperation: for funds and for attention and for readers. I think it is better suited to one less naturally anxious than I. I am so excited, happy, nervous, self-loathing, and proud that I just fell down again stunned. This time, I shall not get up again. Thank you.

That is all.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Strange impresarios

In hanging out with my special friend, I came to the conclusion that he is my muse on many levels. He gets me thinking about things that usually lay dormant, but today is an exception.
Remember the Gruesomes? They were the creepy prehistoric neighbors who moved in next door to the Flintstones. Since The Flintstones was based on The Honeymooners, and the Gruesomes were clearly inspired by The Addams Family, their meeting was a TV moment of dizzying cleverness, but somewhere along the way the genetic lines were split. Their philosophies on life and all that inspired them were truly fascinating. Possibly the strangest couple in the universe.
Weirdly, the diminutive, green complexioned troglodyte who also looks suspiciously like a version of Gomez, with his wife Creepela, the tall / lanky anorexic, shrill speaker who looks more like a caricature cross between the wicked witch of the east and Angelica Houston. Who could forget their son Goblin (Gobby for short), with his pet, the huge Schneider the spider. Once they begin their occupancy of the beautifully dilapidated Tombstone Manor is when the fun truly begins. The bemused Flintstones and Rubbles observe the offload from a moving van of the Gruesomes furniture, appliances, and pets: electric chair of early torture chamber period, guillotine cheese slicer, and giant bird; and their arrival in a hearse station wagon at their new home with a portable storm cloud shifting positions from above the hearse to atop Tombstone Manor (this was saying way more about their state of mind and the true depth of their views on life outside the home). The best bit of all is when Weirdly comes to the Flintstones front door to request a cup of red ants, and Fred laughs hysterically at what he believes is Gruesome's sense of humor. (Gruesome is serious, however, as it's for his anteater who's not yet had its lunch: Mr. Gruesome: "I'm Gruesome". Fred:"I was just about to say that." Mr Gruesome:"No, I'm Weirdly". Fred: "Yeah, you are sort of. But knowing it is half the battle.") BRILLIANT!
Later, on Wilma's invitation, Weirdly and Creepella luncheon on sandwiches which then culminates in Creepella dining on the tea cup and saucer ("these are delicious!). Despite his aversion to the Gruesomes' tastes, Fred agrees to act as caretaker for Gobby. Barney joins Fred in the task, and the two cavemen-light quickly experience the frights within the Gruesome abode as they strive to protect precocious Gobby, who really needs no protection at all, from the Gruesome Hela monster, an iguana, man-eating plant, basement alligators, octopus,as well as one shadowy giant ghoul, Gobby's uncle. Gobby is completely "at home" amid such grotesque phenomena, but his caretakers are terrified and endeavor without success to flee Tombstone Manor. Weirdly and Creepella return to their house of horrors from their excursion to find Fred and Barney imprisoned by the octopus' tentacles and command Gobby to order Ocky to release the men. Fred's indignation at his neighbors' disgusting way of life disintegrates when he learns that Mr. and Mrs. Gruesome are television celebrities in search of Bedrock talent for their variety show and auditions his bombastic jig in their livingroom, only to be rejected and dropped through a trap door outside to join Barney, who earlier and also to no avail, performed his own act for the strange impresarios. This of course, all gives way to one of the most memorable episodes of all: "The Hatrocks and the Gruesomes". The Hatrocks declared a truce with the Flintstones and come to Bedrock and Flintstone home territory to visit. Fred does not dare to offend his irritating guests, whose extended stay is crowding his family out of their own house, not to mention skyrocketing their food bill. Fred asks the Gruesomes to scare the irritating Hatrocks into leaving his property, but the Hatrocks are anything but frightened by the Gruesomes. Fred's last hope involves bombarding the Hatrocks' ears with some detested and now legendary "bug music" (a clear and distinct jab at the Beatles). The backwoods Hatrocks cannot abide the singing and quickly make haste to the worlds fair.
Now it's a new age and time for a revival...does anyone know Tim Burton's phone number?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Singapore Sling

It occurred to me the other day, after speaking with my Saturday friend, that I was not the only person around that had a big problem with others chewing gum in public. I have always enjoyed a good cleansing...some spearmint or cinnamon can be extremely refreshing after a meal full of garlic. However, what I do take issue with is the loud chomping and mashing that we are subjected to while in the public domain. We humans have been chewing gum for centuries, with very few side effects, except those brought on by sheer disgust. One of the nice side effects of chewing gum is that you increase the production of saliva, which is usually good for oral hygiene and breath. The bad side effects are things like sorbitol poisonning from too much sugarless gum (I have had several bouts of this during my lifetime, thus proving that too much of anything is not always good), mouth ulcers (see, it doesn't just come from things like chewing tobacco), high blood pressure and low blood potassium. Chewing gum in public places has given way the word "gumfitti", referring to gum pollution in public places, like graffiti. Gumfitti has created a whole new (and very expensive) industry involving fancy gum-removal devices like solvents and liquid nitrogen to be used to get the stuff off the streets and from other inhabited places like: park benches, tables, walls, statues, schools, all public transport... You name it...There is gum everywhere! I think that the law makers in Singapore got it right. They are one of the only places on the planet that has made the use of chewing gum for most non-medical purposes completely illegal and if you're caught, it's punishable by law. I am not suggesting that people should do away with this seemingly harmless and recreational past time, but I do think that we should at least respect our environment as well as the people who may be within ear shot.

Friday, November 04, 2005

It's Good To Be The King

This is a column brought to us by Tom Feran.
It points out my thoughts on the Burger King king so aptly, I had to share it...

If I had it my way, the king would go!
Spider-Man came to the door Monday night, along with Prince Valiant, a ghost and a couple of witches.
Fortunately, the Burger King king did not show up. I had steeled myself against the chance he would, but I don't know if you can really prepare for something like that.
If it happened, I imagine you would just drop the candy bowl and head for the liquor cabinet or gun rack, whichever is closer.
Maybe that's the mark of a really good Halloween costume. It probably comes closer to the trick-or-treat idea than the kids who dressed up as the Founding Fathers in a worthy but frankly nerdy masquerade. I should have told them to find Dick Cheney's undisclosed location to see what kind of candy he dishes out.
Nothing creeps me out faster than the Burger King king -- the guy in the oversize plastic head with a frozen smile that looks like a glazed death mask of the Unabomber.
The masks were supposedly the hottest item of the season. Burger King sold them out at 9 bucks a pop on a Web site, bkmasks.com, which features the king jumping out in a booga-booga fright move.
Somebody on eBay was selling "information on where you can purchase this mask" -- not the mask itself -- for $7, which is as close to a scam as you can get. There was also a $25 blow-up version. Bidding on these items topped $100.
All of this probably qualifies as evidence of a really effective advertising campaign. I just wonder why weird and disturbing characters are so popular hawking fast food, although it probably started with Ronald McDonald.
Ronald McDonald is a clown. Clowns are disturbing. If you are alone at night in a dark alley and get to choose between facing the Grim Reaper and a clown, you should take the Reaper.
Ronald and his sidekicks were a big success, however, and they set the table for more disturbing characters. Some people would nominate Jared, the fat guy who got thin eating Subway sandwiches. But he looks like Brad Pitt compared to the creepy talking "Bob" baby flogging Quizno's. Shudder.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Stop the world, I want to get off!

You know we're all in trouble when a former Catholic pop-singer cum-self-proclaimed English Rose-cum-reincarnated Biblical Hebrew character jumps to the aid of an egomaniacal Stepford wife marrying actor-cum-shrink...

MADONNA SAYS: 'LEAVE TOM CRUISE ALONE' .
Superstar MADONNA has leapt to the defence of TOM CRUISE, after witnessing the actor receive criticism over his controversial Scientology religion. .
After years of subtly practicing the religion, Cruise has began to speak more openly about his love for the Church of Scientology and has converted his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES. .
Madonna, who has been slammed over her following of the Kabbalah, insists Cruise is happy as a Scientologist and the public and media should respect his religion. .
She tells the New York Daily News, "I find it very strange that it's (Scientology) so disturbing to people. It's not hurting anybody. "If it makes Tom Cruise happy, I don't care if he prays to turtles. And I don't think anybody else should." .
When discussing her love for the Kabbalah - a mystical offshoot of Judaism - Madonna is disgusted when critics label it a 'cult'.
She says, "We're all in a cult. In this cult we're not encouraged to ask questions. And if we do ask questions, we aren't going to get a straight answer.
The world's in the cult of celebrity. That's the irony of it."