So, I was sat in the waiting room this morning of one my fave clients thumbing through the summer issue of SBC Skateboarding magazine, when I came across some letters to the editor. It was clearly a slow day and the editor decided to rag on some SPAM emails that came into his inbox more than a few times. He went to town on those people who wrote testimonials for the miracle pill Hoodia 920+.
The newest and most exciting fat loss product available. I was originally amazed that the first two pills I took made my cravings go away. Four weeks and three belt holes later, I have become an advocate of this awesomely powerful and natural supplement. I was so amazed by it's effects, that I started to exercise and get out more too. Now I don't even look like the same man and friends I haven't seen in a long time claim to not even recognize me anymore.
What had me cracking up was the brilliantly sarcastic answer the editor gave to this letter:
You have to be a special breed of lazy fat fuck to wait to take a pill to lose weight. Hell, I'm a lazy fat fuck who wanted to lose weight and even I didn't resort to bullshit pills. Try not eating shit food and getting off the couch once in a while, tubby. It does wonders. I swear, North America is going to sink under the weight of all these fat asses who are too stupid to stop eating. Like on TLC, they had some show about a 750-pound man. Dude was so huge, he couldn't move out of the hospital bed he was in. He looked like a redneck Jabba the Hutt. Know what? Fucker still ate junk food. The second you can't see your dick when you piss, you start working the fuck out-- it's an easy rule to remember. It should be the motto of every youth fitness initiative across the globe.
In Spain: El segundo usted no puede ver a su dick cuando usted piss, usted comienza a trabajar la cogida hacia fuera.
In Dutchland or Holland: De tweede u kan uw dick zien niet wanneer u piss, u begint fuck uit te werken.
What a retarded language Dutch is. No wonder they're all such douchebags...Anyhow, that was hilarious, and it took up enough space...Moving on now...
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Bloggin' rights
I was rooting through the internet (yet again) for some good readin' and came across some very insightful and most hilarious takes on what's happening in the music biz these days:
On Rockstar SuperNova:
Is it me or is Tommy......?
Is Tommy slowly morphing into 1991 era Vanilla Ice?? WTF? Plus Motley scalps their own tickets on their website. To hell with these dinosaurs. Remember when a Metallica fan would beat up a Motlety fan? Now people from both bands are together? What planet have I landed on? Puh-leaze!
Observations on bands:
If you are in a band and you do any of the following you should think about getting another job, because you suck at being a musician. The following bands anger me:
Bands who pour water on the drummer and the drum set because it looks like you rock harder when you hit the symbols and the water splashes everywhere.
Bands that play a two hour set. That is too much.
Local bands that play more than once a week. Everyone gets tired of hearing the same shit over and over again.
Local bands with a manager. I hate to tell you that your band is going nowhere.
Bands who suck and talk shit about other bands.
Bands that make silly faces when they perform solos. It doesn't make you rock harder. It makes you look like your masturbating.
Bands that talk politics and have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. I hate terrorists too. We all know you're a right wing republican nut in a metal band. Shut up already. Ted Nugent sucks.
Bands who bring other bands with them that are not on the calendar. I want to see the bands I came to see. I don't want too see a bunch of shitty bands open up for the band I want to see. That takes too long. I work during the day. I can't be in a bar all night.
Bands that use one of their girlfriends as the manager. 9 times out of 10 she's a total fucking bitch (just look at the fate of Chris Cornell and Susan Silver's marriage).
Bands that blame the sound guy for sounding like shit. You can't polish a turd.
Bands that can't play longer than a 15 minute set. Wait before you get a show. People have to pay money for that nonsense.
Bands that show up wearing "All Access" passes around their necks. You are not special. I wanted to operate a spaceship when I grew up, but you don't see me walking around wearing a spacesuit at the club.
On Rockstar SuperNova:
Is it me or is Tommy......?
Is Tommy slowly morphing into 1991 era Vanilla Ice?? WTF? Plus Motley scalps their own tickets on their website. To hell with these dinosaurs. Remember when a Metallica fan would beat up a Motlety fan? Now people from both bands are together? What planet have I landed on? Puh-leaze!
Observations on bands:
If you are in a band and you do any of the following you should think about getting another job, because you suck at being a musician. The following bands anger me:
Bands who pour water on the drummer and the drum set because it looks like you rock harder when you hit the symbols and the water splashes everywhere.
Bands that play a two hour set. That is too much.
Local bands that play more than once a week. Everyone gets tired of hearing the same shit over and over again.
Local bands with a manager. I hate to tell you that your band is going nowhere.
Bands who suck and talk shit about other bands.
Bands that make silly faces when they perform solos. It doesn't make you rock harder. It makes you look like your masturbating.
Bands that talk politics and have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. I hate terrorists too. We all know you're a right wing republican nut in a metal band. Shut up already. Ted Nugent sucks.
Bands who bring other bands with them that are not on the calendar. I want to see the bands I came to see. I don't want too see a bunch of shitty bands open up for the band I want to see. That takes too long. I work during the day. I can't be in a bar all night.
Bands that use one of their girlfriends as the manager. 9 times out of 10 she's a total fucking bitch (just look at the fate of Chris Cornell and Susan Silver's marriage).
Bands that blame the sound guy for sounding like shit. You can't polish a turd.
Bands that can't play longer than a 15 minute set. Wait before you get a show. People have to pay money for that nonsense.
Bands that show up wearing "All Access" passes around their necks. You are not special. I wanted to operate a spaceship when I grew up, but you don't see me walking around wearing a spacesuit at the club.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Reality Bites
So, CBS's Survivor had a shocking reveal on The Early Show (also on CBS - Duh! I wonder how they got the scoop first?). In the upcoming season of Survivor, the four competing tribes will be divided by race.
Steve Probst (the show's host and partial creator) attempted to explain why this new theme was "OK": In interview, Harry Smith asked the host to defend the new concept: "At first glance, when you just hear the idea, it might sound like a stunt. Especially the way reality shows have gone, it wouldn't be unusual (at this point, he audibly clears his throat, perhaps nervously, not even believing his own spin on this ridiculously crass idea), but that's not what we're doing here".
Don't worry Steve, no minorities were offended by those comments. Afterall, it was the early show, so none of them were up.
Steve Probst (the show's host and partial creator) attempted to explain why this new theme was "OK": In interview, Harry Smith asked the host to defend the new concept: "At first glance, when you just hear the idea, it might sound like a stunt. Especially the way reality shows have gone, it wouldn't be unusual (at this point, he audibly clears his throat, perhaps nervously, not even believing his own spin on this ridiculously crass idea), but that's not what we're doing here".
Don't worry Steve, no minorities were offended by those comments. Afterall, it was the early show, so none of them were up.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Hungry Hippos
A curry house in London made an extraordinary long-distance delivery after football fans ordered a takeaway from Amsterdam of all places. The order came from Gary Chambers, a regular at the Asia restaurant, staying at a hotel in Amsterdam while watching the World Cup. In a fax to the restaurant, Mr Chambers, who dines there regularly wrote: "We have just returned from the football match and we are staying on a floating hotel as all the five-star hotels in Germany are booked. We are going to be here another ten days and frankly cannot get a good standard of curry out here anywhere."
So, the restaurant agreed to fly a meal for eight people out to Amsterdam at a cost of £463.60. However, Mr Chambers and his friends had to pay an additional £350 delivery charge for the flight and taxi to the airport.
The owners originally thought the request was nothing more than a wind-up, but soon discovered that the patron was quite serious and was happy, in the end, to oblige.
Now that's loyalty!
So, the restaurant agreed to fly a meal for eight people out to Amsterdam at a cost of £463.60. However, Mr Chambers and his friends had to pay an additional £350 delivery charge for the flight and taxi to the airport.
The owners originally thought the request was nothing more than a wind-up, but soon discovered that the patron was quite serious and was happy, in the end, to oblige.
Now that's loyalty!
Monday, August 21, 2006
Bright Ideas
So, I fell ill today and thusly, stayed in and camped out on the sofa. I watched some ridiculous television and saw some very questionable commercials.
First there is the new ad campaign for Rozerem, the little magic pill that is supposed to help with insomnia. The tag line is clever enough: Your dreams miss you. There's a shot of a guy, sat at his kitchen table and while you'll immediately think he's just in there having a glass of milk at the wee hours because he can't find sleep, he's really, on closer inspection, in conversation with Abe Lincoln who's reading an old newspaper. There's a shot of an astronaut in full gear behind him at the kitchen sink, likely doing dishes and sat across from our sleepless in serta is of all things, a talking beaver, eating, with a fork mind you, a plate of bacon and eggs (which also begs the question, what's a beaver doing eatin' pig and fowl?). To make matters odder, the beaver is seriously surly. I wonder who they were fashioning this creature after.
Just when I thought creative licensing couldn't get any more strange, in comes the new ad for Yellow Pages. Tag line: Need something?
Again, we're in some random guy's apartment and he's sweeping up, with dustpan in hand, something that's fallen on the floor. But wait, he's not using a conventional broom, he's actually using a cute little, very fluffy Pomeranian dog to get the job done. As adorable and hilarious as this looks, the company was forced to place at the bottom of the screen the disclaimer reminding people to not attempt this sort of behavior and they also made it a point to state that no animals were harmed in the making of the commercial.
First there is the new ad campaign for Rozerem, the little magic pill that is supposed to help with insomnia. The tag line is clever enough: Your dreams miss you. There's a shot of a guy, sat at his kitchen table and while you'll immediately think he's just in there having a glass of milk at the wee hours because he can't find sleep, he's really, on closer inspection, in conversation with Abe Lincoln who's reading an old newspaper. There's a shot of an astronaut in full gear behind him at the kitchen sink, likely doing dishes and sat across from our sleepless in serta is of all things, a talking beaver, eating, with a fork mind you, a plate of bacon and eggs (which also begs the question, what's a beaver doing eatin' pig and fowl?). To make matters odder, the beaver is seriously surly. I wonder who they were fashioning this creature after.
Just when I thought creative licensing couldn't get any more strange, in comes the new ad for Yellow Pages. Tag line: Need something?
Again, we're in some random guy's apartment and he's sweeping up, with dustpan in hand, something that's fallen on the floor. But wait, he's not using a conventional broom, he's actually using a cute little, very fluffy Pomeranian dog to get the job done. As adorable and hilarious as this looks, the company was forced to place at the bottom of the screen the disclaimer reminding people to not attempt this sort of behavior and they also made it a point to state that no animals were harmed in the making of the commercial.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Roundtable Religion
There's been a long-standing debate about the appropriate lines between religion and politicking. Reverend RUSSELL JOHNSON (Senior Pastor, Fairfield Christian Church, Lancaster, OH)said in a recent interview that separation of church and state is in the Soviet constitution that the Bolsheviks wrote. Separation of church and state is not written a single time in the American Constitution. Over the past 20 years, Pastor Johnson has transformed the tiny Fairfield Christian congregation into a megachurch bigger than a Wal-Mart superstore in the cornfields outside Columbus, Ohio. Pastor Johnson is always protesting something: liberal teachers, left-wing media, leftist preachers, gay marriage, teaching evolution and so on. To many in the state of Ohio, Pastor Johnson is someone who played an important role in the close victory of President Bush in 2004. Among Christian conservatives, he is a hero. To others, he's taken the pulpit too far. In a highly unusual move, over 60 members of the clergy of a variety of Christian and Jewish denominations filed a complaint with the IRS accusing Johnson and another pastor of improperly using their churches in political activities. This begs the question, should churches be involved to the level they are in governmental affairs and political affairs? Upon further investigation by the lawyers handling this case, they intended to influence voters in the election. Pastor Johnson is accused of inviting a state candidate to church events, praising his stand against gay marriage and abortion, and not inviting his opponent who is a liberal. In an amazingly arrogant retort, this is what the pastor had to say: The Religious Left that's not really sure the Bible is true, not really sure who Jesus is, not really sure that he rose from the dead -- they're advocating homosexual marriages and advocating abortion rights. I have never gone to the IRS to try to have their nonprofit status revoked for pretending to be a church.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Bit Parade
An Orange County rock band is singing stop in the name of copyright infringement.
Supernova, perhaps best known for contributing the song "Chewbacca" to Kevin Smith's cult classic movie "Clerks," has filed for a preliminary injunction to prevent the use of its name by a new supergroup involved in the CBS TV show Rock Star Supernova.
In case you've been living without cable, Rock Star Supernova involves the search for a vocalist to join a new rock band being formed by ex-Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted and one-time Guns N' Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke along with the seriously creepy Dave Navarro, once a member of Janes Addiction and Red Hot Chili Peppers. The real Supernova, founded in 1989 by Jodey Lawrence, Art Mitchell and David Collins, has already released three albums. Most recently, the group has been touring in California, Arizona and Nevada, with plans for a new album that's in the works. Honestly, I pray they win their case. In my opinion, anythings better than the thought of this group of has-beens putting out a cd with a less than mediocre front man. My ears are already bleeding at the thought.
Supernova, perhaps best known for contributing the song "Chewbacca" to Kevin Smith's cult classic movie "Clerks," has filed for a preliminary injunction to prevent the use of its name by a new supergroup involved in the CBS TV show Rock Star Supernova.
In case you've been living without cable, Rock Star Supernova involves the search for a vocalist to join a new rock band being formed by ex-Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted and one-time Guns N' Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke along with the seriously creepy Dave Navarro, once a member of Janes Addiction and Red Hot Chili Peppers. The real Supernova, founded in 1989 by Jodey Lawrence, Art Mitchell and David Collins, has already released three albums. Most recently, the group has been touring in California, Arizona and Nevada, with plans for a new album that's in the works. Honestly, I pray they win their case. In my opinion, anythings better than the thought of this group of has-beens putting out a cd with a less than mediocre front man. My ears are already bleeding at the thought.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Would you like wine with your foot sir?
If a seemingly respectable senator makes a racial slur without really knowing what he was saying, is it still considered malicious? Hell yeah!
Senator George Allen denied that the remark he made to describe an opponent's campaign worker was racially charged, saying in a statement that the media misunderstood his comments. The Virginia Republican called S.R. Sidarth, a volunteer on Democrat Jim Webb's campaign, "Macaca" on two occasions during an event.
Macaca is a genus of monkeys, including the rhesus monkey. The senator's campaign said that Allen did not know that "Macaca" refer to monkeys. The senator went on to say: "I also made up a nickname for the cameraman, which was in no way intended to be racially derogatory. Any insinuations to the contrary are completely false." This, coming from a guy that proudly wore a pin of the Confederate flag on his lapel for a high school picture.
Later in the week, more racially motivated insanity hit the news. Andrew Young, the American civil rights leader who was hired by Wal- Mart to improve its public image, has resigned from that post after telling an African-American newspaper that Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners had "ripped off" urban communities for years, "selling us stale bread, and bad meat and wilted vegetables.
But wait, there's more!...
A candidate running for the congressional seat of Rep. Katherine Harris apologized for comments he made about the swimming ability of blacks.
Republican Tramm Hudson, a banker, made the comments earlier this year at a Christian Coalition political forum."I said something stupid," Hudson said in a statement released by his campaign. "I apologize for it and would apologize in person to anyone hurt by my comments." Hudson made the comments as he described efforts to rescue a black soldier who had fallen into a river while the Army Reserve company Hudson commanded was training in Panama 22 years ago. "I grew up in Alabama and I understand and I know this from my own experiences that blacks aren't the best swimmers or may not even know how to swim," Hudson said, according to a transcript released by his campaign.
WOW!
Senator George Allen denied that the remark he made to describe an opponent's campaign worker was racially charged, saying in a statement that the media misunderstood his comments. The Virginia Republican called S.R. Sidarth, a volunteer on Democrat Jim Webb's campaign, "Macaca" on two occasions during an event.
Macaca is a genus of monkeys, including the rhesus monkey. The senator's campaign said that Allen did not know that "Macaca" refer to monkeys. The senator went on to say: "I also made up a nickname for the cameraman, which was in no way intended to be racially derogatory. Any insinuations to the contrary are completely false." This, coming from a guy that proudly wore a pin of the Confederate flag on his lapel for a high school picture.
Later in the week, more racially motivated insanity hit the news. Andrew Young, the American civil rights leader who was hired by Wal- Mart to improve its public image, has resigned from that post after telling an African-American newspaper that Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners had "ripped off" urban communities for years, "selling us stale bread, and bad meat and wilted vegetables.
But wait, there's more!...
A candidate running for the congressional seat of Rep. Katherine Harris apologized for comments he made about the swimming ability of blacks.
Republican Tramm Hudson, a banker, made the comments earlier this year at a Christian Coalition political forum."I said something stupid," Hudson said in a statement released by his campaign. "I apologize for it and would apologize in person to anyone hurt by my comments." Hudson made the comments as he described efforts to rescue a black soldier who had fallen into a river while the Army Reserve company Hudson commanded was training in Panama 22 years ago. "I grew up in Alabama and I understand and I know this from my own experiences that blacks aren't the best swimmers or may not even know how to swim," Hudson said, according to a transcript released by his campaign.
WOW!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Gettin' Props
It's a new era, but one thing's for sure, in the world of music certain voices will always stand out above the crowd. Here is my top twenty-five list of all time rock male singers with the strongest and most memorable voices (in no particualr order):
1. Steven Perry (Journey)
2. Jim James (My Morning Jacket)
3. Mathhew Good (The Matthew Good Band)
4. Chris Cornell (SoundGarden)
5. Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
6. Layne Staley (Alice In Chains)
7. Thom Yorke (Radiohead)
8. Ian Astbury (The Cult)
9. Meatloaf
10. Brett Anderson (Suede)
11. Axel Rose (Guns N' Roses)
12. Robert Plant (Led Zepplin)
13. Jeff Buckley
14. Sebastien Bach (Skid Row)
15. Jim Morrison (The Doors)
16. Freddy Mercury (Queen)
17. Rolland Orzabal (Tears For Fears)
18. Jay Kay (Jamiroquoi)
19. Lenny Kravitz
20. Bonn Scott (AC/DC)
21. Brad Delp (Boston)
22. Jeff Lynne (E L O)
23. John Anderson (YES)
24. Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath)
25. David Lee Roth (Van Halen)
1. Steven Perry (Journey)
2. Jim James (My Morning Jacket)
3. Mathhew Good (The Matthew Good Band)
4. Chris Cornell (SoundGarden)
5. Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
6. Layne Staley (Alice In Chains)
7. Thom Yorke (Radiohead)
8. Ian Astbury (The Cult)
9. Meatloaf
10. Brett Anderson (Suede)
11. Axel Rose (Guns N' Roses)
12. Robert Plant (Led Zepplin)
13. Jeff Buckley
14. Sebastien Bach (Skid Row)
15. Jim Morrison (The Doors)
16. Freddy Mercury (Queen)
17. Rolland Orzabal (Tears For Fears)
18. Jay Kay (Jamiroquoi)
19. Lenny Kravitz
20. Bonn Scott (AC/DC)
21. Brad Delp (Boston)
22. Jeff Lynne (E L O)
23. John Anderson (YES)
24. Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath)
25. David Lee Roth (Van Halen)
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