Hair raising

The Da Vinci Code, which took in $240 Million in it's opening weekend, despite it's lack lustre reviews, wasn't enough to keep the jokes about Tom Hank's hair away. In watching The Soup, our witty host Joel McHale performed, with a silhouette of Hank's hair and had this oh so hilarious exchange:

Joel: So, creepy hair cut, what was it like making Tom Hanks look like a spooky Goth insurance adjuster?

Hair: Well, you know, I couldn't have done it alone. It took teams of people to make Tom Hanks look like he just got off a shift as a line cook at the iHop.

Joel: Any regrets in making Tom Hanks look like an elderly troll doll who just dunked his head in Wesson oil?

Hair: None whatever! It was a total pleasure making Tom Hanks look like the creepy old guy at a White Stripes concert.

Joel: Well, congratulations on making Tom Hanks look like an out of work carny.

Hair: Much love!

Harmful if swallowed

Last night was an experience in dining that I simply wish to forget. I took my special friend to a family style Vietnamese restaurant that until now, my family and I have always enjoyed. It was a rainy evening and this place is tucked away off the beaten poser path that is our respective neighborhoods. When the meals came, it took literally two seconds for us both to surmise that it just wasn't on. The soup, as starters tasted like nothing more than salty bath water. When the main meals arrived, his plate looked like it had two dirty insoles laying across a mound of rice. The last straw was when our hostess put mine down in front of me, I think my nose did an actual recoil. It smelled like the noodles had been sauteed in Vim lemon cleaner. You've never witnessed anything quite so objectionable. Well, maybe the scent of the Valerian Root pills I am now taking to calm my nerves. That my friends, smells of ass!
As my special friend put it, if this place had been reviewed by local food critic, Helen Rochester, it would have been shut down!
As a result of our disastrous meal, we left there and headed to a joint, smack in the middle between our two hoods and had the largest, most delicious burgers this city has to offer. It was a dining delight. I am now, as punishment for my heinous choice, not allowed to pick a place to eat for at least one week. Phew!

Dealing with the devil

Former Enron chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud in one of the biggest business scandals in U.S. history. The verdict put the blame for the demise of what was once the US's seventh-largest company squarely on its top two executives. It came in the sixth day of deliberations following a trial that lasted nearly four months. Lay was also convicted of bank fraud and making false statements to banks in a separate trial related to his personal banking. Lay was convicted on all six counts against him in the trial with Skilling. Skilling was convicted on 19 of the 28 counts against him, including one count of insider trading, and acquitted on the remaining nine. The former corporate titans are now felons facing years in prison after being convicted of running an elaborate fraud that gave the company a glamorous illusion of success.
No doubt these two will waste years in the appeals process. And, in the end, their last days will be spent in Club Fed, playing racketball and taking saunas to ease their guilty consciences well into old age. Bastards!

Damage Control

In reading men's magazine Toro, I came across this little ditty and had to share:

I’ve been pursuing a woman for a while now and when I finally got her in bed I was a little too in-toxicated to perform. So I attempted to give her pleasure by other means . . . suffice to say I won’t be playing the saxophone for a while. I got really into it, and it lasted over an hour. Now I’m worried she might think I have an oral fixation. Or, worse, she may assume I’m impotent since I never explained my problems getting it up that night. I really like this girl and want to see her again but I feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner.

Unfortunately, your approach falls prey to a number of common misconceptions: 1) That sex, to be good, should go on a long, long time. (I don’t blame you for this one, I blame Sting.) But I think the opposite is, in fact, true: Anything over ten minutes probably isn’t savage enough to be hot; 2) People should be “unself-ish” in bed. Wrong again. The best sex, in my opinion, is characterized by selfishness and greed; 3) Women, like men, find oral sex an acceptable substitute for the real thing. Wrong again. She craves steak and you’re giving her tofu. You were limp, but you overcompensated. When confronted with this problem, far better to do what legendary boozer Charles Bukowski always did: roll over, facing the wall, and say, “Sorry, baby, too much to drink.” Then spring a “morning glory” upon her the next day. Oh, and if the problem persists – like, even when you’re sober or only a little drunk – see a doctor.

Reveling in magic

What can I say, I am in love!
Jim James is his name and he fronts the wondrous band, My Morning Jacket.
I am forever stuck in the beauty of his gifted voice and their love of reverb. As far as I can hear, no one does it better. Their live act has been touted as "blistering". Although I've only had the pleasure of seeing them perform on Austin City Limits earlier this year, I would have to agree. It was simply brilliant. Recently, I had the supreme pleasure of hearing Mr. James sing Steam Engine, which he performed at the Rolling Stone studios, solo. It was, as my special friend would say, "H.M." (hauntingly melodic).
Two more reasons to love Jim James are based solely on his views of religion and his love of all things, The Muppet Show. The one thing that struck me about Jim is his vision. He lives in this world of nonstop creativity where he can take everyday experiences and make them into something magical. Take his passion for the Muppets and the fact that he truly believes that it was much deeper than just for entertainment value. It's widely known now, from interviews he's given, that James found an early musical influence by watching Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem on The Muppet Show. Listen closely, you'll hear the similarities all over his music (not to mention the fact that he sometimes even sounds like a Muppet himself, in this case, it's not a bad thing at all). Nearly every interview he's ever given about My Morning Jacket has included some earnest reference to Jim Henson. "The Muppet Show was a really musical thing. Music was the thread that tied it all together. It was all about comedy and acting, but it still had heart and it was sad sometimes. There never has and there never will be anything like it. Somebody asked me what my goal was and what my dreams were. My ultimate dream would be to reach some kind of pinnacle of perfection like Jim Henson did of melding sound with vision and art. Something that can appeal to kids and adults and everybody alike to have that much of a positive impact. I think that show radiated so much mystery and positivity all at once and I want to feel like we are that kind of force on earth too. I love music and I love what we are doing, and I am very proud of it and I hope that it can grow into something more powerful for different kinds of people. Jim Henson really knew what he was doing." One of the things that James loves about Henson is that he never made a distinction between appealing to an adult and appealing to a child. He's oft been known to get lost in the emotion of writing songs. He's been known to say that he lives for those moments. It is when, in his opinion, the presence of God passes through him. "I think that force, for me, is religion. It's why I play music. We'll play some shows and most of them are pretty good and then some of those shows are the greatest thing that ever happened to us. And that is God. It's the same force that made the Rolling Stones good for so long and then made them start sucking." James' spirituality is to a point where prayer is part of his daily routine. He usually does this in the shower. Though he was raised Catholic, James gave up on organized religion right around the time he began playing music. He refuses to put a name on his beliefs, but whenever he's asked in interviews if he believes in God, the answer he usually provides is one word: absolutely. While their songs aren't specifically about this sort of divinity-as-discovered-through-rock-music, there is a remarkable sense of enlightenment to them. They make soul music in the most literal sense. It's both uplifting and unautobiographical with that same innocence you find in every character on the Muppet Show. Anyone who's philosophies come close to matching that of my own, well, what's not to love?

Lust for life

So, after what I can only consider the most hellish week at work, I did a little soothing of the soul with friends last night over dinner. I sat with the wonderboys at King Marketing and my Saturday Friend in a booth that soon filled with all manner of Asian delights, along with a little vino to seal the deal. The conversation ranged through a veritable hodge podge of topics and my head was spinning from the stimulation. Hanging with these friends was just the medicine I needed. At the end of the night, our gracious host brought us our fortunes all wrapped in shiny cellophane. Number one rule: when reading your little white ribbon of paper, from the sweet hardened shell, you must end it with these two words "in bed".
Here is what ours said:

1. Your own path is best (in bed).
2. A thrilling time is in your immediate future (in bed).
3. People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner (in bed).

finally...and I swear I am not making this up...

4. You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to (in bed).

Ah! The glories of humor.

American Dreamz

Top ten reasons I am happy NOT to be an American:

1. Dubya will be President until 2008, giving him just enough time to seal the fate of all Americans against the Middle East and Korea.

2. I couldn't live in a country where the Vice President is able to shoot someone in the face, NOT serve any time for it...and the victim apologizes to HIM!

3. The NSA can wire tap law abiding citizens phones and it's ok.

4. The average age of a soldier / marine is 19.

5. Inadequate healthcare.

6. 65% of Americans are Obese.

7. 25% of the homeless in America are between the ages of 25 and 34 years old.

8. The INS are completely antiquated and the national guardsmen are used to patrol the borders for illigal and dangerous immigrants... from Mexico?

9. Miami ranked highest amongst all the states in the US for illiteracy, an incredible 63% and there is no plan in the works to rectify this.

10. The national debt is $40 Trillion plus and the Chinese are their number one financiers.

I could go on, but you get the point.

The slur of talent

Tom Hanks played host for the 8th time last night on SNL.
Most of the monologue was meant to showcase his newest film, The Da Vinci Code.
Best moment of the night, when Fred Armesen (playing a priest) asks the question "what's with your hair?". I nearly fell off my chair. Since the Oscars, that's pretty much been the only thing I wanted to ask as well. Hanks actually said he'd grown it out for the movie. That he quite liked it. To which Fred responded "Really?".
Hanks later in the show plays a sweaty, overbearing, out of shape, loser that attends a yoga class, wearing big sweat pants, a ratty tee and fro that's straight out of the 70's. During the course of the session, he's paired with a horrified Rachel Dratch and they are, along with the class, instructed to part take in the most uncomfortable and ridiculous positions. As his sweat seems to spread, he eventually drips onto his partner, making the skit side splittingly hilarious.
Worst moment of the night, having to watch the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It was, in a word, embarrassing.

Drowning Glory

So, as is the insanity of celebrity, we are now being subjected to illusionist David Blaine (more like David Lame) submerging himself in water, encased in a spherical orb outside Manhattan's Lincoln Center.
WTF? WHY? WHO CARES? He's already irritated us with his myriad of other stunts, such as climbing into a glass coffin to be buried alive or enclosing himself in a chunk of ice for 60 hours or my personal fave, hanging himself over the Thames in the UK for 44 days. Oh, how I wished the cables had given way on that one. He actually prefaced this latest asinine stunt to the public and press by stating: failure means I will drown and you all will see something pretty insane.
What's that they say about self fulfilling prophecies?

Off their tacos

Mexican President Vicente Fox will sign a bill that would legalize the use of nearly every drug and narcotic sold by the same Mexican cartels he's vowed to fight during his five years in office. The list of illegal drugs approved for personal consumption by Mexico's Congress last week is enough to make one dizzy — or worse.
Cocaine. Heroin. LSD. Marijuana. PCP. Opium. Synthetic opiates. Mescaline. Peyote. Psilocybin mushrooms. Amphetamines. Methamphetamines. And the per-person amounts approved for possession by anyone 18 or older could easily turn any college party into an all-nighter: half a gram of coke, a couple of Ecstasy pills, several doses of LSD, a few marijuana joints, a spoonful of heroin, 5 grams of opium and more than 2 pounds of peyote, the hallucinogenic cactus.
In the immortal words of Jon Stewart: Spring break will never be the same!