Damage Control

In reading men's magazine Toro, I came across this little ditty and had to share:

I’ve been pursuing a woman for a while now and when I finally got her in bed I was a little too in-toxicated to perform. So I attempted to give her pleasure by other means . . . suffice to say I won’t be playing the saxophone for a while. I got really into it, and it lasted over an hour. Now I’m worried she might think I have an oral fixation. Or, worse, she may assume I’m impotent since I never explained my problems getting it up that night. I really like this girl and want to see her again but I feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner.

Unfortunately, your approach falls prey to a number of common misconceptions: 1) That sex, to be good, should go on a long, long time. (I don’t blame you for this one, I blame Sting.) But I think the opposite is, in fact, true: Anything over ten minutes probably isn’t savage enough to be hot; 2) People should be “unself-ish” in bed. Wrong again. The best sex, in my opinion, is characterized by selfishness and greed; 3) Women, like men, find oral sex an acceptable substitute for the real thing. Wrong again. She craves steak and you’re giving her tofu. You were limp, but you overcompensated. When confronted with this problem, far better to do what legendary boozer Charles Bukowski always did: roll over, facing the wall, and say, “Sorry, baby, too much to drink.” Then spring a “morning glory” upon her the next day. Oh, and if the problem persists – like, even when you’re sober or only a little drunk – see a doctor.