Bad Company

These are this months actual personals that appeared in the London Review of Books:

Nobody over 60. Nobody going through a divorce. Nobody fleeing from police matters. Nobody with skeletons in the closet, real or figurative. Nobody looking for a woman instead of getting therapy. Must be British and based in or very near London. Must have hair. Must be solvent. Must get along with other human beings and animals. I'm too busy for loonies. Box no. 03/03

My animal passions would satisfy any woman, if only it weren’t for the filibustering of this damned colon. And the chaffing of these infernal hospital sheets. Write now to M, 83, for ward visiting hours and a list of approved solids. Box no. 03/05

I ate a pencil and three Post-Its whilst writing this ad. Oh, and drank a bottle of correcting fluid. Whhheeeeeeee!!! Man, 33-and-a-quarter. Box no. 03/06

The only thing that makes me happy is weeping in front of the television whilst wearing mother’s clothes. That, and jazzercise. M, 42. There’s always time for guilt, Newsnight, and a good abs workout in the tortured juvenile psyche of box no. 03/07

If you don’t open the letters from the credit card company, it’s just like they never asked for their money back. Woman, 36, would like to hear from any men (professionals, blonde to 45) for whom this defence has worked in an actual court of law. Box no. 03/08

If these ads are half what my Romance-O-Matic machine (patent pending) says they are, the perfect woman (to 35, enjoys Radiohead and men who look like Angus Deayton) will post a reply to this ad at exactly 9.32 am on 10 February. If my weather-predicting knee (responds to changes in atmospheric pressure, school trip to Tenby, May 1983) is half as uncanny as it normally is, there’s going to be a shower of fully grown toads over Pembrokeshire at exactly the same time. M, 34. Box no. 03/10

I have the largest collection of bus tickets in Sunderland. Beat that. Man, 41. Box no. 03/11

‘I’d love to find you in the shower/ And chase the soap for half an hour.’ Slim, fit M (52) seeks thinking man’s bathing belle for LTR. nabokov@tiscali.co.uk

I have created an excel spreadsheet to document all the lovers I’ve had in my lifetime; the duration of each relationship; and how much each affair cost me in financial terms. I’d like you to be cell A2; 40 years: nothing – we’ll have independent incomes. IT consultant M, 34. Box no. 02/17

I once came within an ace of making my own toothpaste. M, 36, seeks woman with knowledge of fluoride compounds/tantric love-making. Box no. 02/18