Is breaking up that hard to do?

I simply love this article.
It's written by Ann Marie McQueen and it's views on dating and breaking up are spot on...

"Somehow I have become excellent at breaking up. I haven't, of course, always been like this.

There was a time, years and years ago, when I would make almost any excuse to drive by my estranged boyfriend's house, apparently hoping the sight of me in a speeding car would prompt thoughts of reconciliation. I once spent days lying in a darkened dorm room with a similarly broken-hearted roommate, the two of us shunning showers, emerging greasy-haired for mugs of hot Neo Citran, though neither was suffering from a cold. I did drunk-dial, and there was that uncomfortable lunch where I pretended to be excited about hearing about his new girlfriend while ignoring a searing pain in my chest.

The thing that has me thinking about this, aside from that recent liquor commercial where a succession of guys helpfully whisper absurd breakup excuses in their buddy's ear, is the new book Greg Behrendt wrote with his wife Amiira: It's Called Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy.

Yes, the Sex and the City He's Just Not That Into You guy has decided we girls need more of his kind of talking-to.

"Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world," writes Behrendt in Chapter One. "The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing."

I wholeheartedly agree, though I could do without the pints of ice cream/goblets of pinot noir cliches sprinkled throughout this (despite the subject matter) fun and frothy tome. Men aren't so good at breaking up either. I'm not the only woman who's pondered a restraining order while ignoring her persistently ringing doorbell. Unfortunately men just aren't nearly as likely to lurk around the self-help section.

Behrendt's point -- and I hate to hand it to the lucrative catchphrase coiner, but he does have one -- is that when it comes to breaking up, we often make it much harder on ourselves than it has to be.

As a sort of perverse rule, both men and women tend to like to elongate our suffering in this area. We do things like hang on to old stuff, look at happy pictures, play sentimental songs, go to places our ex might be, drink and eat too much to try to dull the pain.

We can't let go

We get stuck, but only because we can't let go. We linger on where we were, to avoid thinking about where we want to be.

Those who've been there, and frankly, I don't trust anyone who hasn't, know what I'm talking about: That individual who loudly proclaims being over his/her ex, then proceeds to reference his/her ex in 85% of his/her conversations.

If I'm honest, it's been about five years since I had a true broken heart. And back then, I could have used a gander at Behrendt's yet-to-be conceived of book. Sadly, he was still an unknown standup comedian while I was sleeping on a bare mattress, taking two weeks just to find enough energy to unpack the apartment I'd moved into and find my sheets.

I'm certain that wouldn't happen now that I've reached this current advanced state of breakup expertise. And though I'm not eager to test my new resolve -- that whole depths-of-despair thing was a bit of a bitch, as I recall -- I have learned a few things. Like cutting off all access after breaking up. What good will e-mailing do? Why call? Maybe we can be friends, I've come to realize, but not right now.

Even when faced with The Sudden Silence, which is what a friend and I have dubbed the abrupt, unexplained end of a once-promising romance in the early stages of dating, when explanations are apparently not required, the options are clear. Chin up, dignity intact, remembering closure only means knowing you'll wake up one day soon and the silence will be gone.

Hey, if Behrendt's little book with its lists and charts and, yes, even suggestions to journal and scrapbook through the pain can help just a few girls act less pathetic, I'm all for it.

I'm not quite sure what my hard-won breaking up skills say about my relationship-having abilities. Personally, I think getting good at giving up on a relationship that doesn't work -- whether someone has helped you to that realization or you came to it on your own -- means figuring out what you want so you can find one that does.

My last boyfriend was as accomplished a breaker-upper as I. He once told me "I simply turn the page." He wasn't lying.

We broke up on the phone. In a rare moment in the history of humans, both of us simply accepted our relationship had reached an intractable position and there was only one thing to do.

I'm sure he was sad; I know I was. But reaching out would have only put off the inevitable.

He was even a delight to bump into months later. Not weird, or standoffish, or mean.

Just a person I dated once, who made me glad I did.

I can't help hoping my future doesn't hold much more breaking up in it. I mean, how much practice does one person need?

But if two people are not going to end up with each other, I can't think of a better way for them to be."